if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Im just a social blackout drinker.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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