There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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