I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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