My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
