so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
