im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
she just pulled a hulk hogan to make her point. no idea how it helped
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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