I'm going to jail i love you
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
