**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
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