I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
