dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
