i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
