did you get engaged???
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
