Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
