Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Randomize
