that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
