I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
