Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
