Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
