my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
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Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
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Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Where are you guys?
Drunk
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