if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
Randomize
