Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
