I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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