I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
