did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
