You don't have asthma, your pregnant
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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