I am spending my child support on dildos
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
