I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
