my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
On a scale of 1-10 I’m at biblical violence
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
