if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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