Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
it was like eating out sand paper
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize
