he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
