the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
