Duck Duck Cougar?
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
