i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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