Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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