Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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