just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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