she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
