i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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