Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
