oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
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