Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
