Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
