Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
Randomize
