how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
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I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
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drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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