Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
Randomize
