Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
You were throwing up into a trash can full of used condoms. I had to intervine.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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