So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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