we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
