last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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