fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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