I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
